It was the first Thanksgiving after the divorce. He believed that must have been the catalyst. Prior to that, she seemed to be handling everything well.
Oh he knew she was sad. They were all sad. Yet she kept telling them, “We’ll be alright. You still have a dad and I still have you.” She didn’t always have them though. There were the weekends and vacations when they had to be away. The court said so. He hated those times.
He didn’t like going to his dad’s new place. It was smaller than their house and it smelled funny. Sort of like someone had let grease burn too long on the stove. Maybe that’s why there were always so many fast food wrappers in the garbage. He guessed Sydney either didn’t like to cook or just wasn’t very good at it. Either way he was glad he didn’t have to eat her cooking.
She had tried to cook for them on one occasion. It was his sister’s bad luck that her birthday had fallen on a dad weekend. Sydney had tried to make Kira’s favorite meal, lasagna. What she didn’t realize was that Kira only liked his mom’s lasagna. His mom didn’t put much sauce on it and used lots of cheese. Sydney’s was drowning in sauce. There was so much he thought it was gross. After his first bite he had looked at Sydney, who seemed very pleased with herself, and then to Kira. “So how is it guys?” Sydney had asked. He started to answer but Kira gave him the eyes and just the slightest shake of the head, so he didn’t answer. Kira did instead. “It’s fine.” Sydney went on and on then about how she had wanted to make something special for Kira’s birthday but he just concentrated on how he was going to finish the disgusting meal.
Still, they had made it home that night. His mom hadn’t had to miss all of his sister’s birthday. When they got home there were streamers and a cake. It had ended on a nice note.
Thanksgiving was different. It was the first holiday his mom would have to spend alone. Dad got Thanksgiving and the long weekend after as well. She wouldn’t see them again until Sunday. He called home before dinner and that certainly hadn’t made things easier. He had cried. “I want to come home. I don’t like it here.” She had been soothing. She reassured him that the time would go quickly and he would be home before he knew it. He could tell she was hurting too though. None of her family was nearby so she was totally alone. He and Kira had tried to convince her to make the drive to Michigan. It was only about a 6 hour drive that they had taken plenty of times but she didn’t want to go. She wanted to be near them. Just in case. The dinner was at Sydney’s parents’ house but her mom didn’t cook any better than Sydney. He had also felt so lost. He hated spending his holiday with people he didn’t even know. He was relieved when the weekend was over and he could go home.
After that weekend things had changed. His mom was much more reluctant to let them go. She had become more argumentative with his dad about their visits. She had tried to make it more difficult for Sydney to be around them and was not readily agreeable to any visits beyond what was in the visitation.
Christmas had been unpleasant. His dad had wanted to see them but Christmas Day was not his holiday. Dad stormed over. He had created quite the ruckus trying to get some extra time and he heard them shouting at each other as he hadn’t before. Mom didn’t budge though. He was glad.
They spent the weekend after celebrating Christmas with him. Sydney was there and she was pretty nice that day. She was almost likable.
He sat quietly trying to remember how things had gotten to this point. Trying not to make a sound he stretched out his legs. Then he tucked them back in and rested his chin on his knees. He wiped his tear filled eyes with the back of his hand. How much of this was his fault? Maybe if he hadn’t been so resistant. Maybe if he had been more accepting or willing to go along, things would have turned out differently. Maybe.
He had become more difficult. He was determined not to have to go to his father’s. Kira tried to be the peacemaker. She would encourage him to go along. It was only for a short time. Plus, she would be there. It’s not like he was totally alone. He wanted none of that though. He would plead with his mom not to make him go. She would reassure him but in the end he still had to go. His mother always looked so guilty when she helped him pack his bags and then sent him on his way with his dad. “One day,” she would say, “One day you won’t have to go and we can stay together. Would you like that?”
“I can’t wait for that day,” he would answer.
When Kira tried to get him to explain why he hated going so bad he didn’t have much of an answer. “Why should we have to go? Dad doesn’t even spend any time with us. We’re just watching tv or playing video games while he’s doing whatever it is he’s doing. When we do get to see him, Sydney’s always there. It’s like we don’t even have a dad anymore. So why should I waste my time there.”
His mom got the same story but in a different version. “I hate it there. Dad doesn’t really want us around. He’s mean to us. He just hangs around her all the time. Does whatever she wants and the heck with us. And she’s really mean to me. Says stuff when nobody is looking. Mean stuff about you, like what a witch you are, only with a b. How everything would be better if you weren’t around. If we weren’t around. I think she’d like it if we just left town. But, she says, dad would never go for that. Would never let us leave town so I guess we’re all stuck.” Sydney hadn't actually said any of that stuff but he knew she was thinking it. Knew it when she looked at him. He just helped by putting it out there.
He would be sullen during his time at his dad’s. His father would try to engage him and make things pleasant for him but he didn’t want to cooperate. In actuality, sometimes he enjoyed being a pain. He had not asked for the divorce. He had not asked to be in this position. Dad and Sydney had put him here. Why should he make things easy for them?
When he got home he usually stormed in. “I’m not going back there again," was his" I’m home" phrase. He’d go to his room, slam the door behind him, and then wait for his mom to come in. Shortly after, she would. Lately though, when she came in, she was looking so much older and tired. She’d sit by his bed, brush his hair out of his eyes and ask him what happened this time. He’d recite his same old mantra. She’d listen, appear angry for a minute, but then her shoulders would slump and she’d shake her head. “I’ll try to fix things for you.” And she’d leave.
It was still dark. He tried looking through the slats. The moon gave the room a little light but he still couldn’t see much. The shape of the desk where his father used to sit was visible. He tried not to breathe. Maybe he could just stay here until morning. Things would be better then. Mom would be better. He tried to pull himself tighter. He wanted to be as small as he could be.
Tonight, though, he finally got his way. When dad came to pick them up, he begged his mom to let him stay. He didn’t want her to be alone, he cried, and it made no sense for him to go. Nobody really cared if he was there or not anyways. Kira finally went out to the car without him. A few minutes later his dad came in.
There had been a scene. “He doesn’t want to go!” his mom screeched. Then she got quiet. And she sounded unnaturally calm. “He hates it with you. Why can’t you just leave him here? He hates you. He hates Sydney. You’ve ruined our lives. If you want to call your lawyer, call her. But he’s not going anywhere tonight.” His dad told her he could have the police involved and she told him to do it. His father finally left, without him but not without the promise of a call to his lawyer in the morning.
That night, over dinner, she had told him, “This isn’t going to work you know. He has a legal right to visitation. The judge isn’t looking at what you want. He won’t listen to what you want. I’m going to find a way though. I’m going to find a way for you not to have to go and for us to stay together.”
After that, they had gone to bed. She said it had been a long day and she was just tired. Tired of it all. "Sorry mom but I'm glad I'm home. Thanks for not making me go." He gave her a kiss and went to his room.
Sleep didn't come. Too many thoughts ran through his mind. He knew tomorrow he'd have to go. Maybe not. He wasn't sure. He'd have to see what he could work out. He got out of bed and went down the hall, walking carefully by his mother's closed door. He didn't want to wake her. He turned and went into his father's old office.
He flicked on the lights and glanced around. Not much had changed. His father had taken work items but the furniture remained. He walked over to the desk and spun around in the desk chair. He looked toward the window. The shade was up and the curtains open. There was a full moon. He could tell from the lack of movement of the trees that the air was still. Everything seemed at peace. He turned out the light and went back to the chair. As he sat he found the softness familiar and strangely comforting. He laid his head on the desk and sleep finally came.
He awoke with a jerk. He had no idea how much time had passed. The room was still dark so it must be night, he surmised. He shook the sleep out and decided he should finish sleeping in his own bed. He went back into the hall but noticed that his mother's door was now open. He crossed over and looked inside as he passed but saw no sign of her. He crossed back to his own room where he stopped at the doorway. His mother was inside. She was illuminated by the light from outside. She was standing silently by his bed, not moving. He slowly backed away and crept down the hall to the office.
He started when he heard the door open. He quickly looked through the slats again and he could see the light from the hallway. He pulled himself back and held his breath. He closed his eyes. Maybe she wouldn’t find him. Maybe she would just go back to bed, maybe…but the closet door was opening. He could hear the doors sliding along the track. “There you are. I was wondering where you had gotten to.”
He looked up at her. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I just want to go to dad’s now. Can I just go to dad’s?”
She looked taller than he remembered. And more relaxed than he had seen her look in a long time. In one hand she held a pillow. In the other, a gun. “We’ll be together now. Just you and me. And no one will ever be able to separate us.”
He started to cry as he saw her begin to lift the pillow with one hand and the gun with the other.
